Wedding shower considerations

I think it is important for the bride, as well as the family and /or friends, to really consider ahead of time what they want, need, and expect from this event-- so that the bridal "shower" does not become a financial downpour for those who plan it!

Traditionally, the bridal shower was an opportunity for a bride to celebrate with her female family and friends, and for them to give her all the personal and useful items she would need as she left her family home and started out as a young wife.

Over the years, as brides became older and more independent (socially and financially), this traditional purpose of helping the bride "set up house" became less important, and the emphasis switched to fellowship and girl-talk. It was often a very intimate, feminine celebration, most often hostessed by a best friend, sister or auntie.

Current shower trends vary from region to region, and among different social groups, but they seem to be changing fast in many areas and social circles. Multiple showers are quite common, some held by family, some by/for co-workers, etc. For some, the bachelorette party is equally important as the bridal shower, and is planned and anticipated with even greater attention.

"Couple" showers are gaining popularity as well, with both the bride and the groom attending with a co-ed guest list. Some of these are planned because the bride wants something less intimate and fussy; others are planned as an occasion to give gifts that are for both the bride and groom, rather than just the bride (more like wedding gifts than shower gifts).

Shower plans have become much more elaborate in some areas as well. The shower held in the hostess' home is often replaced by a larger party held in a restaurant or other public location. I recently spoke to a woman whose daughter was told by the bride and her family that she was to reserve three different locations for the three different showers they expected her to host-- one for family, one for friends, and one bachelorette party. Although there certainly are young women who could afford to finance all these parties, it seems like a lot to expect of one friend. In the end, the daughter explained to the bride and her family that she would not be able to host so many parties in public places.

It is impossible to present a formula which will be appropriate for all couples and their family and friends. Only you as a group will be able to determine what is right for your situation. However, in response to those who have come to me looking for guidelines, I offer the following common sense suggestions.

-- No person should be asked or expected to host more than one pre-wedding event-- shower, bachelorette party, engagement party, etc. If they choose to do this, that is, of course, their choice.

--If you are the friend or family member who is asked to host an expensive shower, or several showers, and you are not comfortable with this, or cannot afford it, please speak to the bride about this. It isn't fair to expect you to jeopardize your own financial situation for someone else's wedding-- even if it is someone you care for deeply.

--Brides and families, take into consideration the finances of the wedding party members who will plan and host the shower, etc. Chances are they are also paying quite a bit for clothing, accessories, transportation, gifts, etc., for your wedding. So some friends who would like to hold a celebration for you/the bride may only have the budget for a small shower, or maybe none at all.

-- By the same token, if you are planning a shower for a couple, you should either plan to pay for it all yourself, or you should plan taking into consideration the finances of the people you want to contribute. It is natural to want to plan a fabulous, memorable party, but it isn't right to expect other people to go broke helping you pay for it.

--Friends or family planning showers or other pre-wedding events would be wise to talk to the couple before hand, to gauge their desires and expectations. Sometimes what a friend or family member thinks would be enjoyable is not what the bride and/or groom has in mind-- and vice versa.

--Keep it all in perspective. I have heard of bridal showers that cost more in money and effort than many beautiful weddings I have attended. If, as some people say, your wedding is "only one day" (although I think it is a very IMPORTANT day!), then how true it is that the shower is really just a few hours to celebrate, laugh and be together with friends and family. Really, how much to you have to DO to make that fun and memorable?!

--If you choose to have a couple shower, consider ahead of time the atmosphere you want to have. If you will hold it in a public place, you may wish to limit some more intimate gifts-- in case the gifts, or showing them around in a public place might embarrass the bride and groom or other guests. Or you may not. But consider these dynamics before hand to make sure you get the results you want.

Showers can, and should, be fun, but they are most successful and enjoyable when they are planned with consideration and common sense.

By Sara L. Ambarian - author/creative consultant/custom bridal designer
Visit her website:
/www.frazmtn.com/~ambarian/