Kids in the wedding party….will they be in yours?

Aren't they cute?! Wedding pictures aren't complete without a flower girl and a ring bearer! Or maybe you don't want kids and your getting a little flack?

Kids will be kids! This phrase wasn't coined by accident. If you want kids in the wedding remember you are not getting married on Fantasy Island! Having attended to the beauty needs of hundreds of brides I have seen and heard my share of kids in the wedding party stories. Following are some tips and suggestions to help you get a better perspective on having children in attendance.

Some brides want it all; kids, dogs, butterflies, doves, you name it. So if your heart is set on having your little niece and your cousin's son walk down the aisle then I say go for it! But do it with planning! Some brides think they want the kids in the wedding, but the bride may find she is better off having cardboard cutouts as stand- IN's then to have to deal with the real thing. On the other hand some of you are leaning to the side of a "no kids" wedding. For those of you sitting on the fence, let me help you choose a side.

When to have kids in the wedding party:

1. You love children! You love their spontaneity and if they do something silly you think it will just add more charm and laughs to your day. (You'll make a great Mom too!)
2. You are getting married early in the day. Kids are better when it is not too late in the day. This way Mom and Dad will not have to leave early to get their cranky angels off to bed. Or plan on hiring someone to whisk the kids away for the night.
3. The children are local and can sleep in their own bed the night before. I had a bride who was having a male friend's daughter in the wedding. However, the child's parents were divorced so the mother was not in attendance to the wedding. The little girl couldn't hang out with Daddy and the grooms' men, so the bride had her sleep at her house the night before. The bride arrived late and stress to the salon the next morning because SHE had to give the child a morning bath! Not Good!
4. They are your own children. By all means they should be a part of this special event. By being included and involved they will feel more secure about their significance and place in your new life.
5. You don't care how her hair looks. Requesting a specific hairstyle for the flower girl can get tricky. Not every child's hair will hold a curl, nor will they sit long enough to get it done. I had three little sisters that were all in the wedding. Once the mother got everyone through the door and into the brides non-child proof small apartment everyone was stressed! The bride wanted them all to have French braids and the youngest child was three years old. She kept pushing my hand out of the way and as I would braid a section of hair she would rip it out. Oh well!
6. You know they are "good" children. Some kids are born to be in weddings. Lois Pearce, President of Beautiful Occasions in Hamden, Connecticut (www.wdlink.com/beautiful) adds, " One of the key things to think about when considering these children is their maturity level. Does the child behave well (within reason) around adults? Are they able to understand directions? Just because they are cute is not the criteria for them to upstage the bride on her wedding day." Whether they love the attention or they are easy going and compliant you and their parents need to feel confident they will do their job well. Hey, considered them for hire. ( Just kidding )

When not to have kids in the wedding party:

1. You really don't want kids in attendance and that's perfectly fine. Just because there are children the perfect age in your extended family that fit the role, don't feel obligated to add them to the wedding party. Let the parents know up front that you have chosen not to add children to the wedding party. If you have someone pressuring you to add their children to the line up then leave this article in a conspicuous place for them to read.
2. You want your day to go perfectly as planned. This is fine also. You spent enough time and money planning every last detail and you would not appreciate uncalculated antics. One ring bearer's pillow had a music box inside. It didn't take long for him to find the wind up key in the back and then begin tossing it up in the air during the vows.
3. You are getting married in the evening. Not a good idea to add kids to this mixture. They may not get a proper nap and others in attendance may resent the kids being around drinking adults.
4. The kids have to travel into town. If the stay is at a familiar and welcome home then there is a better chance for a restful night. But a strange bed and changes to their routine is more than some children can handle. Check with the parents first.
5. When there is just too many to choose from and someone might get offended. I'm sure you have seen it. Two flower girls, two ring bearers, and the groom's man stuck with the twelve-year-old junior bridesmaid. If you really don't want them, skip the kids all together.
6. When you really don't know the parents well. The kids should mean more to the bride and groom than just cute props. Don't ask a friend of a friend's child to be in the wedding or even a long distant relative just because he or she is cute and the right age. It takes a lot of preparation, patience, prodding, and expense on the parents part to make the day go relatively smoothly.

Kids are kids and they are unpredictable. If you can accept this and go with the flow then have them in your wedding, but remember not every kid is suited for the job.

• There is the flower girl that thinks she is too old for the job but she is still too young to be a junior bridesmaid. (Age 4-6 for flower girls, 10-13 for Junior bridesmaids)
• The hormonal junior bridesmaid who hates the dress and hair while scowling through every picture.
• The ring bearer who would rather drop kick the pillow than carry "that thing" covered with lace.
• The flower girl who is crying because she really thought she was getting married too!
• The "active" flower girl who thinks it is the two yard dash and the $200 dress is just a white blur!
• The ring bearer who thinks it is his job to clean up after the flower girl as she drops the petals and he picks them up after her.
• The ring bearer who tears down the aisle and rips through the LOUD paper of the new toy that bribed him down the aisle in the first place.

Tips:

• Keep the kids at another location for dressing and preparation. One home I was at the ring bearer was giving horsy rides to the flower girl; grandpa had to step in the tears followed. At another, the little flower girl just thought it was the greatest thing to go up and down the stairs repeatedly so she could hold up her dress. Another little one swiped bobby pins and hid in the corner and "did" her own hair.
• Make sure videos and snacks are available and kid friendly.
• Dress them at the last possible minute.
• For real little ones have a large bib to put on.
• Scuff up the new shoes on the bottom with sandpaper and let the kids break them in ahead of time.
• If Mom is in the wedding make sure she gets ready first!
• Lois Pearce, President, Beautiful Occasions, Hamden Connecticut has found, " Children work best around the ages of 4-7. When I've worked with children in a wedding party I try to get down to their level and see how they view the surroundings and talk with them at their vantage point. If they are younger I try to help them find something or someone to focus on so that the walk down the aisle is not so enormous in size and length."
• More from Lois, "Give the children their own attentive spot during the processional. Remember the bride is the focus, all the other parties are a preliminary. Allow them (the children) ample space between the bride as she processes down the aisle so that they can be "oooed" and "awed" and then have the focus return to the bride.
• Videographer, Mary Bair suggests "Children should be fed a small meal before the wedding and if they are little children hopefully they will have had a nap. They should be taken to the potty immediately before the ceremony begins because they get nervous too and you know what can happen then." Mary has written Bridal Cheers or Wedding Tears, Your Dream Wedding or Worst Nightmare.
• More from Mary, "Small children should not be allowed to go up on the altar or to stand with the wedding party at the front. I videotape from the front and this is how I can see who the audience is looking at."

Helpful and Fun ideas:

• Have a toy under the petals of the basket for the child to open once they have completed their walk.
• Have a person from the parish ready to whisk the kids off to a Sunday school run ready with snacks and juice to keep the kids till the ceremony is over. Don't expect the kids to sit quietly for up to an hour just to have exiting pictures. Bring them back up for pictures later. The wedding is not about the perfect pictures you will have later; it is about the vows.
• Or Lois adds, " An attendant or a groomsmen should be assigned the task of keeping an eye on the kids during the service. Should the child become unruly, their parent should be alerted to come and remove the child from this focal point of the ceremony.
• Recent flower girl Mother, Lease Moon, had her daughter keep a diary about her flower girl experience as well as a calendar up in her daughter's room to mark off the days until the wedding. Her daughter let everyone know she was keeping a "diarrhea" of the wedding!

Picture perfect? To get a child to get through the rehearsal dinner, sleep a good nights rest, alter their morning routine, put on scratchy strange clothes and hard new shoes, sit for their hairstyle, keep a "thing" on top of their head, get through per-ceremony pictures, hold a basket and not loose it, drop petals, walk slow, walk straight, and then two hours later be expect to be clean, still and quiet for more pictures? This is not possible for many adults!

A calm easygoing bride is the best medicine for the child and also helps to relax the mother as well. Keeping your expectations low and having a go with the flow attitude is the best strategy for the bride to be. Lois Pearce, President, Beautiful Occasions in Hamden Connecticut has these additional comments, "Children need praise. Praise them for their performance and thank them for their cooperation. They will react accordingly. All they want is a little love!"

Professional wedding hair stylist Gretchen Maurer has over 18 years of experience in wedding beauty, including having done her share of flower girls! She is the author of The Business of Bridal Beauty, which includes a section devoted to the flower girl. She is also the creator of www.weddinghair.com a web site strictly devoted to wedding hairstyles. She has two daughters of her own and can speak from personal experience!

By Gretchen Maurer
www.weddinghair.com