Marriage Counseling Tips: What to Do When Your Spouse Wont Talk

How to get a spouse's attention so that he or she will communicate with you is an issue that mystifies many couples. Spouses report trying many techniques, such as trying to talk rationally and logically, watching to see when a spouse is in a good mood, and waiting for a time when the television is off. They also share stories of begging, pleading, threatening, and finally, yelling and screaming.

If you are having problems getting your spouse to talk to you and to share feelings and opinions, here are some additional things you can do to facilitate communication. First, you have to grab your spouse's attention, which is what these tips are designed to do.

1.When you're talking to your spouse and start getting overly-emotional, lower your voice instead of raising it. This breaks the pattern of tempers escalating, followed by loud yelling. If your spouse asks what you're doing, just say that you read that lowering your voice was a way to defuse anger. Maybe your partner will decide to try it, too.

2.Write your spouse a letter or e-mail stating your feelings, requests, or questions. Include how not talking about or resolving the issues is affecting you. For example, you might say, "When you call me horrible names, I feel like I've been betrayed. I don't want anything to lessen my love for you, but I know that if this continues, I won't feel the same way toward you. Can we please agree not to call each other names (or can we make an appointment with a marriage counselor, etc.)?"

3.Buy a cute, funny, or clever greeting card and include a note asking if you can schedule a time to talk to him when you both will be uninterrupted. Some spouses have an easier time talking to their partner in a restaurant over dinner, so you could suggest making plans for going out for a meal.

Obviously, you wouldn't want to discuss your most emotional issues in public, but maybe you could use the occasion to handle some relatively routine things. And then agree on a future time to talk about the more sensitive topics.

4.When you give your spouse a card or note asking if you can schedule a time to talk, include his or her favorite candy bar or a package of chewing gum-some small item that shows you pay attention to what your partner likes. With a candy bar, you might attach a note that says, "To my sweet Sweetie-could you please let me know when we can schedule a time to talk? Thanks so much. Enjoy the candy!"

5.Make a written list of your questions and include a "yes" and "no" box next to the question. Also include boxes that say "Undecided" and "Need More Details." Be as specific as you can. For example, you might make a list of possible activities and places to go on a "date night" and ask your partner to respond. In that case, you would put a category of "Other suggestions" at the bottom so your spouse could include additional ideas. Or you could make a list of possible times during the week that the two of you could reserve for private talks. Another idea is to make a list of things you think are important to resolve, and see if your spouse agrees or disagrees.

6.Look for something to "trade" with your spouse, such as offering to take the kids to a movie so your spouse can have friends over or enjoy some private time to relax. In return, negotiate for an uninterrupted time to discuss pertinent relationship issues-maybe a relative can keep the children or they can spend a weekend afternoon with friends. Or you might offer to do a certain chore that your partner detests doing in exchange for some "talk time," which your spouse may equate with being slowly tortured. Make a creative trade-off.

7.Just because you think the tips won't work, don't prematurely discount them. I have worked with numerous clients in marriage counseling who have tried these tips or variations of them, and the results have often been amazing. Spouses who don't normally express feelings verbally sometimes respond in writing, much to the astonishment of their partners. In other cases, spouses who receive letters have initiated conversations about how the letter has opened their eyes to things they didn't realize before.

Use these seven tips to jumpstart your thinking about different ways to open communication channels with your spouse. And if one attempt falls flat, try another. That's what all successful researchers do-and they don't hide behind the words, 'It'll never work." Experiment with an open mind and you may be surprised at the results.

Nancy J. Wasson, Ph.D., is co-author of Keep Your Marriage: What to Do When Your Spouse Says "I don't love you anymore!" This is available as an e-book at http://www.KeepYourMarriage.com ,where you can also sign up for the free Keep Your Marriage Internet Magazine to get weekly ideas and support to help you improve your marriage. Nancy can be contacted at Nancy@KeepYourMarriage.com.

Prop 8: Gay-Marriage Ruling Expected Today TIME VIDEO: A Gay-Marriage Wedding Video The 9th Circuit does not typically give notice of its forthcoming rulings, and its decision to do so Monday reflects the intense interest in the case. Even if the panel upholds the lower court ruling, ... and more »

rachel-greenwald-critics Westword Her only definition of success (aside from her own hefty financial take, apparently) is a marriage, wedding and honeymoon, and she admits even that success is rare. If there is so little enduring happiness or success in her business or the matches she ...

Scotland's opposition parties back same-sex 'marriage' Lifesite At the signing event, which included cutting an “equal marriage” wedding cake, Conservative Party leader Ruth Davidson said, “I support the Equality Network's Equal Marriage campaign. … The Scottish Government will bring forward legislation on gay ... and more »

SheKnows.com

JCPenney to boycott group: We're sticking with Ellen SheKnows.com The group wants supporters to stop shopping at the store for featuring a same-sex marriage wedding cake decoration in a catalog ad." "In the hopes of making sales, your company has instead offended many customers in the process. and more »

The Christian Institute

Scots opposition leaders sign pledge to redefine marriage The Christian Institute They also cut an “equal marriage” wedding cake – a symbolic gesture which was designed to show their support for rewriting the definition of marriage. The Scottish Government's consultation on redefining marriage closed in December after receiving tens ... and more »

PerezHilton.com

J.Lo Isn't Thinking About Marrying New BF Casper Just Yet!! PerezHilton.com Tags: bride, casper smart, divorce, hearts and fuzzies, jennifer lopez, jlo, love, marc anthony, marriage, wedding So we've heard what Paula Abdul had to say about getting fired, and we heard what Nicole Scherzinger had to say about the ax.

ABC2 News

Clergy releases video supporting same sex marriage ABC2 News Lawmakers will also hear testimony that day on legislation to create a constitutional amendment that would define marriage as between one man and one woman. Marriage Wedding Married hub generic 640x480_20100616142339_JPG. and more »

Business Insider

3 Tax Tips Every Newlywed Couple Should Know Business Insider If you have very high medical expenses and a low adjusted gross income, filing separately means you could deduct more of these expenses. However, if you filed jointly, you may not benefit from this deduction. newlywed - marriage - wedding.

Business Insider

NEWLYWEDS: Renting Could Be The Smartest Move For Your Future Finances Business Insider ... is that it can be as temporary or long-term as you like, especially as your family grows. "There are just some things you don't think about when you're a newlywed with stars in your eyes,'" Bohutinsky said. newlywed - marriage - wedding - couple.

ABC2 News

WA Senate approves bill to legalize same-sex marriage ABC2 News If opponents aren't able to collect enough signatures, same-sex couples would be able to be wed starting in June. Otherwise, they would have to wait until the results of a November election. Marriage Wedding Married hub generic 640x480_20100616142339_JPG. and more »